Chelsea Swan

I tend to have big ups and big downs. I am overall a very positive person but once an emotion has hold of me it is everything. If I am in love I am obsessed, if I am sad I am destructive, and if I feel lonely I feel like no one ever has or ever could really see or understand me. That I am too hostile, too contradictory, to manipulative, too mean, too hidden, protective, stupid, off in my own world. I think all people want is to be known and to be seen. I do find it hard with BPD to be interpreted correctly.

The thing is I am not in that emotion now so I can’t remember why I made this or how it felt but I know at the time it was how I felt.

Like anyone else I want to be seen and loved.

I was married to a man who made up an idea of sweet little me for ten years. My mother, as hard as she may try, never sees me as I am, or even close, she is not capable of such things, she lives through interpretations, signs and signifiers, based on what she was told at one point a long time ago.

Anyway this was a pretty quick one. Red thread again. I think the red was a good choice, it is bold and danger, and the woman’s color. I didn’t use my usual palette because this is not of that work. It’s a bit dramatic and I was probably feeling a bit dramatic. I also like the thinness of the thread, delicate and fragile and a bit sinister.

I don’t really tend to work with just text, so it’s something a bit different, and I am not sure why I didn’t include an image, a figure, me. Maybe its because I had been going through the Plath poetry.

I guess by making the piece I focused on how I was feeling and then it was done. It’s nice to think these things pass but also a bit of a confrontation that I will feel this way again.