Chelsea Swan

I put one of my pieces in an open exhibition. Leading up to seeing it in there I was a bit meh because I would rather of had something more up to date in the show, even though it was only a few months ago it feels an age ago in terms of ideas and practice. It just felt a bit basic and a bit like an easy image. I draw well, it’s easy to like. It also is a very dark and colourless image. IDK. I was not dreading it or anything. I have been quite down recently though so I might not have been in the best head space.

I also often have an emotional delay or do not feel the correct emotions in the moment or protect myself from being open to the moment in case I get hurt. Going in I was congratulated as apparently it was tough competition this year, I felt nothing about that. They gave me a sticker that said artist, I put it on my boob, so no one could see it, but also funny. I had opted not to have my work for sale, but you could buy others. I just figured no one would want it so why bother thinking of a price. I am really not down on myself or my work I just don’t see why others would be interested. This was my way of attempting to work out how to be out in the real world with my work as I have never been before.

I loved so many things as we walked around. I didn’t go seeking out my work, and went in the opposite direction to the flow of things as everyone was bunching and it would be a bit more chill to go against the flow. Below are the things that spoke to me the most. There was such variety and so much was so well executed and had such great ideas behind them. I sadly didn’t keep the booklet so I dont have the names of the artists but I have found you can google image search some of them to find their presence on the internet. I drawn most to textile, colour, gender, sexuality, silliness, and the self.

However when I came into the room with my own work I was filled with shame and embarrassment that people could see this pointless thing I had done. That it was so bad and that it was probably only let in on the basis of it being different and therefore filled a quota or had some pity taken on it. I avoided it, I didn’t want to have to hear people put it down. Cory had fun, he stood near it to freak people out and listen to people talk about it but I think he lies to make me feel better and said that people liked it or wanted to buy it. I know it’s not true but I did try to believe him.

I did try to like it, I went back the next day with friends and got some pictures with it but it was awful, especially when everyone else had done so well.

I think in some ways no one seeing my work is good, because then it is just for me and I am not affected by wanting to make it good for the approval of others, but at the same time I want to be seen and for my work to be liked by others, not everyone, but to hear someone thinks it is good or worthwhile, and not just in a way to make me feel better, would be nice. I think it might even push me to make my work better and to push myself and my ideas more, to take less easy paths and go out of my comfort zone, and also hold me accountable to keep making.

After talking with some others on the course I have decided to use this incident as an opportunity to keep going outside of my comfort zone echo chamber and make an instagram. So far it is going well. I don’t feel jealous or in competition like I thought I might. I feel part of a community and it is nice getting a stream of creative content and happenings and opportunities and exhibitions. I like seeing others works. I think it is encouraging me to connect more. I have only done a few posts but everyone on the course is very supportive, as is the Cory.