Chelsea Swan

I love how behind I am at posting. Also how scattered and randomly I am editing. Fun

So Like maybe two weeks ago we did a session on doing ‘something new’ which consisted of us trying to find and use things in our house in a way new to us to make something. I always feel really bad when sessions just apply a little less to me. Like the psychogeography session. I love the concept of wandering, finding new paths, and seeing old paths new but the whole thing is so gendered. Plus I don’t really use search engines. I did try but I am easily distracted and intention was lost on me. Back to the ‘something new session’. I think I found it hard to go with it as I already use household items and found things at the core of my practice. I decided to do something digital with some photos I have from my childhood, but even then I have these photos because I collected them with the idea of using them in a project. I made digital images but this is very close to my old practice. Overall I just could not think what I could use that I don’t already use. I already try to do this and so it’s hard to see it as a revelation. That does not mean it was not worthwhile for others. The same with the psychogeography, just because it a concept I am familiar with, have researched, and utilize in my practice, that does not mean others have not got something from the session. For me personally the risk and reflection posts are more in the vein of what I need. I guess I am trying to say that I am participating, I am joining in, but not everything is relevant to me but that ok because it’s relevant to others.

Anyway these are my images that I made. They are my Mother, who had me much too young, and who was filled with talent and intellect and spark and determination, but who eventually got trodden down by the world and its systems and expectiations. I remember her stealing an easel when I was young and sitting and painting all day. She compleated her degree in art when I was a baby. She fought to exist in a way that would bring her happiness but she believed she was being judged, she believed she had to get a job even though she was finacially better off on benefits, and she believed she needed a man to compleate the picture. I wish I could have been her friend back then and tell her to be stronger. I am not saying she has been the most perfect mother but she has tries with no positive guidance, support or moddeling. She is a whole person who makes mistakes. To me she will always be this 1990s cool woman who everyone noticed. She was special, she still is, she just forgot.

I jusxtaposed/ layered this with images of her uncle who moved in with her mum when her dad passed when she was young. All I will say is he was a bad man who did bad things to young girls (mum had three sisters) and was allowed to do this by my grandmother. When you are taught you are worthless you think you are worthless. You believe your abusers love you, you are greatful for the sparkly gifts they give you, you are happy to be the favorite. When you are ignored and neglected you are grateful for attention, to feel worthy, and you think you asked for it with your desperation to be loved.

I have also layered in a picture of me and my cousin. My uncle still lived with my grandmother when I was young and all of us cousins were sent there to be babysat. He told everyone he had changed and they believed him.

Lastly I put on some little symbols that I use in my work because when I was younger I drew to keep quiet and did that a lot when I was being babysat and my favorite thing was shapes. I also added glitter as always to add the distractions. Fun times

This one is mum off to uni while I am being babysat at my grandmothers and then me having a tantrum in our little flat.

This one is mum sat on a kitchen floor (where she tends to go when she is sad) and then me and my cousin with our great uncle, about to be rewarded with a trip to the shops.