I am always arguing that I cannot reflect in the moment and that I need time and space to be able to see clearly and understand, and yet, now I am being asked to look back, evaluate, and understand what I have learnt, what has helped me develop and grow, I can’t see anything, just haze. I assure you anything I write going forward is being drawn out and may in fact be entirely performative.
I find these assessment things so dull, not without merit but a slog to get through. There are moments of revelation and they do bring things back up that I had previously forgotten but do I care much at this point if I am evaluated positively or negatively? Not really. I am more so in a sulk over the course ending.
Ok, well…..evidence then. Learning outcomes, oh the excitement. What a creative way to end a creative course.
1. Present evidence of a body of work that demonstrates a systematic enhancement of your knowledge and understanding. (AC Realisation)
I think my three minute video pretty much covers this one. In it I spoke about the journey of my art up until this point.
Since making that video I have started painting using old family photographs. You can see the progression from illustration, to fantasy, to the inner and outer self, to forgiveness and connection. It has been a mostly psychological process of letting go for me, through my practice, which I feel has allowed me to be freer in my making, less restrictive and perfection hunting, letting work flow instead of controlling the narrative, controlling the outcome and controlling its reception. I feel that although I started the course looking at fantasy, the essay and the body of work I have mostly focused on has centered around the inner and outer self, my problems with being seen and being understood and things I felt I had to say in order to let go of them, an attempt to come to terms with the things I cannot change, and a game of seeing what boundaries I can push or ignore. As I was saying to JK I think that if I had only drawn in a sketchbook for the last two years the outcome in my practice would have been just as profound and just as worthwhile and revealing. The work I have made in that light is of little consequence, the mediums etc, it is where I am within myself that feels most changed upon the opportunity to make work and have it be discussed. Having said that I have used the opportunity to test many different mediums, to be like a child again and play with whatever I felt like playing with. Although I am now playing with paint there is no doubt in my mind I will get board. Being free from showing or selling my work, gave me the opportunity to test what works, what feels good, and I have let my instincts guide me, giving me a good understanding of different mediums and how they suit my practice and ways of working. I feel I almost fell into a trap of making work to please, with the lampshades, and not playing with other ideas or mediums, and I think it would have been sad to have just stuck with one thing during the time I have been given.
Below is my progress since the three minute video and I think you can see the change in focus, a resettling and rediscovery and exploration. I have let myself expand, even when faced with restrictions. I feel more confident in who and what I am and what I want to make.
2. Synthesise and critically reflect coherently on your process whilst providing evidence of an active, independent and/or collaborative practice. (AC Process)
I am not really sure how to connect all of my thoughts and experiments other than through my practice, which can only ever be evidenced with each successive piece of work. As for asking myself questions I feel I am constantly asking questions of others but I am not sure I have asked questions of myself, I am too scared. I learn through experience, through talking, through drawing, in that way I answer questions I did not know I was asking. It is not like I had a plan or a question at the start of the course that I was conscious of, and yet I was asking and exploring something, why do I feel this way? what has made me this way? why is the world like this? I feel this is what my work has been exploring.
My five minute video and my sketchbook hopefully evidence me exploring and asking some questions at least.
The blog posts below show how I have processed what is important to my practice and what my practice is about as I have gone through the course. It evidences that I have changed and developed and built upon what I want my work to be and what is important to me. I do not think that change necessarily means improvement or failure though. I think my work has moved with me and my thinking which is positive but not an improvement. I think we constantly change and just saying I am different now than I was before, I am making different work now than I was before is not in and of itself worth celebration. I am guessing you want to see that those changes are reflective and based on evidence and a decision to change, but what if my practice was never faulty, just lonely.
Anyway, you can see that as I have gone through the course I have constantly returned to mind maps and questioning what is important to my practice as a way of refocusing and recentering what my work is about, or at least what I feel I want it to be about, giving myself clarity to move forward when I get stuck.
As for the process of making my work I struggle with this as the process is born of necessity. I have learnt what helps and what hinders me in terms of making, size and scale and what I can make are restricted by space and money. Otherwise it’s all very dull. I am always thinking of thousands of things I want to make but I dont have the time or don’t get round to them. I make lists, buy things, plan them, set it all aside. I have a desk, very dull, in front of my window, so I don’t feel lonely, and I have all my materials to one side and all my projects to the other and my easel behind and I always tidy up at the end of the day. I have never had an issue with making work or pushing myself to do what I want to do, even if in reality I can’t do everything, so I don’t find process so interesting. I often drop projects but I never regret the ones I drop, I never go back to them but I could. I go with whatever sparks joy and often get put off work if its not liked for the right reasons.
As for active, I have not put on the blog the shows I have been in over the last two years but I got in a sulk near the beginning over a feeling I had over a comment. I just wanted to keep the shows to myself. I didn’t want it mentioned in the group. I have put in my plans for the end of degree show. As for tools and rhythms of working for the future I have no clue what that means. I just like to make art. It would be weird if I had joined the course and not found it natural to just keep making.
This is the image I put into the show proposal form for how I see the work looking including the extra painting JK suggested to also bring.
3. Summarise and evaluate your overall progress and formulate a constructive plan for continuing Personal and Professional Development. (AC Communication)
Summarise, ugh, am I dying? Do I need to tie it all up in a neat bow. Loved the course, hated the bureaucracy. I cannot say I have a constructive plan. I remember when we had to do the plan for the course in unit one and I have to say I found it pointless and never used it. Projecting in to the future can only ever be a lie. I can say ‘I hope to’ or ‘I would like’ but I feel this question leans towards a desire for us to desire or plan a future of showing or selling work. I don’t want that. I can say I have a plan to carry on writing and reflecting but in my diary, not online. I do put work in small shows, it does get seen, but I can’t say I get anything from it, and I don’t ever put it on for sale. I am sorry that there is nothing grand. I have never struggled with the desire to make work. One thing I think would be good, is to find a creative community. It is the reason I joined the course and it is the thing I will miss the most. I am not a joiner or an outgoing person but I do try to connect with people. I find people hard. I am weird even amongst the artist. I don’t want to go back to being alone but I can only keep doing what I have been doing which is going to exhibitions and meeting people and applying for studio spaces. I think possibly something about me is always a little off anyway.
Chelsea Swan 
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