Chelsea Swan

I think the reason I am struggling so much with the idea of a study statement is because I don’t like plans, I don’t like confines, I am used to illustration with lots of mini deadlines and numerous projects. The ADHD does not help. I can’t comprehend two years. I feel like I need to focus but Jhonathan does his yoda moves asking me if I do need to focus. I can’t just throw everything at the statement. The is little cohesion other than it all being about me but then that is quite narcissistic. I can’t make important work just based off me. I feel like I want to prove something or say something. I know i want to feel seen, less alone and make other women feel the same. Beyond that the only cohesion is I think it is a distinctly female and other way of viewing the world.

I at least need to be more focused in the way that I pick and choose what threads to follow, what is worth the time and effort, what has the most potential, what is pushing me. I just ordered a polystyrene head ffs.

I really want to be more open and honest in my work. When people say they want to push themselves I always come back to wanting to be able to openly say the important things. To be honest and for that honesty to be clear, or at least clear to me. I think others who feel the same will see what I am saying. But then how would I know that. I want to be bolder. I want to stop working so small. I want to stop protecting and hiding myself. Or at least, if not in a place that is unsafe, to take more risks stepping towards places that feel unsafe. I don’t feel I have to be brutal or shocking or hurtful to do that. I think it can be done gently. I don’t want to upset people, especially those close to me. When they look at my work they don’t see what I am saying. If I was clearer they would. You don’t own your own narrative, it belongs to other people. Being yourself is one of the most hurtful things you can do. Maybe no one being able to really see is the point.

Originally I thought I just wanted to look at the self and the other. The inner and outer self. That is how I felt and how I still feel. That I am a person and then there are those ways that I am interpreted, the ways I act, the ways I cover myself, the ways I hide. The inner self lives in fantasy and play and the outer self uses glitter and colour. Maybe this still is what I am exploring. I have just gone off on so many tangents and followed so many ideas it all feels confused. I know its connected but I am not sure it seems that way to others and if I am just being seen as directionless, especially as I cant seem to fully explain to people what it is that I am researching through my work.

The word research, artistic research, research practice, makes me feel I have to pic a topic, a direction to research. I joined sure and then just bombarded my brain with ideas and directions and I just feel scattered. I don’t want to force a connection of everything i do to the inner and outer self, and yet I still feel like that is it. That disconnect, the absurdity of it, the lived experience.

Anyway I thought of more things to add to the mindmaps. I think the best plan I have right now is to try to pair those back a little then write them out as a statement.

Aims and objectives:

• Extraordinary in the mundane
• Turning the gaze on myself by using my own body
• Strong and free, taking ownership of my body and my life and how I want to live
• Chapter 10 Bougoise quote Story of art without men
• Ana Genovés “I’m personally concerned in a renewal of a stagnant classifications, because otherwise what is my identity? I don’t fit a standard identity, so I needed this. I needed that. I’m nothing. My obsession with paradoxes is because they are my way out of nothingness in a paradox. Is a paradox a device to open up new meanings, or to avoid being dismissed, Or both,or none?”

Outcomes:

• Film – animation – dancing – making shapes – idk – I have you there. pay attention, only me.
• Risograph because I think it is pretty and fun and technical but can think of a reason to use it anymore.
• Marriage globe, see above. Would be a challenge. I like symbols and I like glitz and I like collecting, categorizing and documenting. Lived experience.
• Masks – hidden self
• Medals – because women deserve the recognition of achievements. I survive men with bravery and kindness.
• Lampshades – women and consumerism.
• Use old photos from childhood. I dont know how yet, or at least I know what experiments I want to do.
• The victorian childs dress, embroider it.