Chelsea Swan

I think I am starting to realise that I am not a very open person. I don’t like to face things or to open up and I avoid speaking if I feel anyone is unsafe, like men, or people who misinterpret, or people who try to be in competition with everyone, or people who judge others, or people who interrupt, not in an excited building on ideas way but in a I don’t care so here is my thing way. I will either go quiet, listen and analyse how they interact, or deflect and mock and push people to avoid my own discomfort.

I feel very unlikable, very hard to get close to. I have been feeling quite down recently. It is hard making this kind of work, work about myself and my body, when I barely have a sense of self and hate my body both looks wise and function wise most days. I feel like no one wants to get to know me, I am too difficult, too dull, to erratic, not emotional enough, not fun.

I have my Cory and he sees me and loves me for who I am and I love him for who he is. I don’t feel ugly or broken or unheard or unseen around him. He is open and honest and does not judge. He is a place to feel safe and free and fun. He is always up for any idea I have and lets me go on my own journeys. He dances with me and is spontaneous. He is how I would like all people to be. I feel when I got to know him I saw myself in him as well as everything I wanted to be and I feel being around him has made me a more creative, fun spontaneous person.

My life was very sad and lonely before cory. I had more friends and more money and stability and all the things a grown up should want to have but I was always being told who I was and being praised for things that did not matter to me and hanging around with people who had no clue who I was or how I felt inside. I wanted it all to end. I escaped and was building a new me, making myself and my life what I wanted it to be. There was no risk anymore because there was nothing else to lose, and then Cory came along and he was everything, still is when I take the time to look, and he was magical and perfect.

I wanted my life to be art, like patti smith says, my clothing, actions, speach, though. I wanted to try to be more than I was. I wanted to try to live life deliberately and, what felt like, very dangerously. I started this by myself and for myself and I know that who I am and what I have made of my life is not all Cory but without his love and encouragement, his sharing in and cheering of my interest in things, his insights and sharing of his dreams and passions, I would have never made it as far as I have of have been as happy as I have been the last few years. He is an odd little fellow, and he has also been incredibly lonely and ignored, but he sparkles. He make me feel like I sparkle too.

It is sometimes very sad the mediocre society encourages, and that when faced with a Cory, someone truly special and intelligent and kind and special, they try to put it down, force it into a box, hide it away. Pricks.

Anyway, I did feel I was being open in my work but I am starting to realise that I do cover everything in bright colours and sparkles and distractions and coded images, and language that is only accessible by me. And maybe there is an assumption I have or and idea that I fall back on that if Cory can see and understand then it does not matter if anyone else gets it because there is no one else in the world that I need if I can be seen by this one person who is so whole and so complete and so full of facets. It is everything to have him see and understand. That alone makes me feel less isolated and makes me feel that if there are others like the two of us they will see and they will understand too and they will feel seen and understood.

I don’t know who my audience is but I know that they would not want me to have to divulge everything so openly and crassly so that everyone understands because it is enough that we understand. I know that they would see the work and know what I am saying and what has happened and how I feel because they are the same as me. That might be quite elitist but I have been left out enough by the world and its systems and its norms, and there has to be something for us, and our way of communicating. I know who my audience is not, it is the dull ones who are mean and want things easy and normal.