Chelsea Swan

The boss man was at it again this week.

Therapy – our group at least were left. bit emotionally raw afterwards.

Open questions require open answers.

I will admit that I am trying harder to participate. I know what an opportunity this is and how much I could get from it if I let myself. However, in the north of England, as and odd female, participation and getting into stuff is a sure fire way to get yourself mocked and ridiculed. The act of enjoying something is definitely a no no, to then take part is only for the confident few with armour of steel. But I am trying.

First we had to note down a problem or a thing we would like to change in our practice. (I was lucky to be in a safe space group of women, last time there was a dude in the group and I close right up after the first time he spoke over me, no offence to the dude, it just how men be)

My problem was that I always feel there is an audience – That I have been thinking about diaries – and how I would never write one as I always had to picture who the audience or reader would be, which them puts a block on me expressing myself without a filter or without exaggerations. I talked about how I feel I do not exist without an audience, and how I am defined by my audience. I talked about how you cannot separate yourself from your past, that I have BPD due to trauma and that I have an unstable sense of self even though I come across as a strong sense of self and confident and outgoing. I talked about how my work may only be for me as I do not really exist and I cannot identify with normal people.

When asked to reflect I just noted – I am broken – damage easily – no self

I did write notes on the others but it feels too personal and like revealing them to others to write it here. If they would like my notes I will give it to them. I feel it’s not my place to interpret them and share their secrets with the world.